#momfail(S)

because if YOU can't laugh at yourself...who can?  ;)

Example 1: (and 2 and 3 and probably 4)

Last Wednesday we had a chance to go to a park after BSF so our group could have some more fellowship time.  I hurried the kids into the van afterwards to head towards the park.  All is great, the park is fabulous- it even has a gate (!!) ... until Kid "N" comes over and tells me he has to go potty.  There. Are. No. Bathrooms.

Now, Josh and I are not of the 'use a tree' persuasion.  If we lived in the country (as I did) we probably would let the kids go potty outside (as I did). But, we don't.  Outdoor pottying is reserved for camping in the middle of nowhere.  Who wants their kids to play in a park, or a friend's yard, where every mysterious puddle might be urine?  Or every time a child drops their snack (andthenpicksitupandeatsitsofastyoucan'tstopthem) you are continually wondering how many kids and pets peed in that spot?  Not me! Consideration people!

Anyway, I was quickly convinced to leave my opinion, convictions, moral high ground as the fear of wet pants stared me in the face.  Peer pressure at it's finest!  So since Kid "N" is just barely 3, I showed him the ropes.  Find some privacy, go off the beaten path, you know - the ropes- of public urination.  Well, let me just say that I am not a boy.  It is supposedly easier for boys, right?  And I figured his bladder must be at least partially drained due to the visual wetness of his pants.  BOTH of those assumptions were WRONG.  I also picked a slope-in the not our favor direction. I know, I know, rookie mistake.  So as bladder emptying commenced, the puddle took on a form more like that of a wide river journeying downhill toward both of our feet.

I panicked.

With one hand holding his shorts appropriately down (I was futilely attempting modesty), I scooped up Mr. Over40lbs with my other arm to move us to dry land.  Except for he was still going potty.  And the fire hose was now untamed in the upheaval.  My arms and my shorts holding hand were grave casualties.

Wonderful.  He finishes up.  I sneak to the van to get wipes FOR MYSELF.

That could have gone better.

As I'm finishing cleaning myself up, making mental notes, continuing to fellowship with my fellow Mommies, Kid "R" shows up in dire need.  Dire as in- she probably should have gone 30 minutes ago.  Sigh. So I tell her to find some privacy and go behind a tree.  She's gives me the A-OK.

A few minutes pass and she doesn't return so I venture behind the pavillion to find her.  She's walking towards me like she's saddle sore, with one leg of her leggings pulled up above her knee and DRENCHED.  "What happened?" I asked nervously.  She said she got potty on her leggings.  No other information offered, so I begin asking questions.  "How far did you pull down your pants?"  She points to her ankles.  So far so good. "Did you squat down?"

No.

NO!?!   !?!?!?!?!!!  I am sure my face was a mix of miffed, holding in laughter (which would have hurt her feelings at this point), and complete shock. For real.  NOT ENOUGH INFORMATION MOMMY!

So at this point fellowship is over for the Barricklows.  Begin rounding up the crew.  A friend had kept Jordan occupied with snacks during the whole fiasco and Jack was just playing away in some mud.  I ask him to rinse his hands in the water fountain so he can get in the van mud free.  Ok, we get to the van.  I remove Kid "N's" wet shorts and put him in his carseat in his undies.  Tell Kid "R" to follow suit.  Kid "J's" shorts were wet from his attempts to clean his hands in the water fountain, so he joins the undie party.  I'm laughing with a friend about how chaotic life can be sometimes when Kid "J" taps me on the shoulder.

"I need to go potty, Mommy".

For. Real.  So my friend stays by the van to keep the other hoodlums kids in line, while Mommy and Kid "J" venture to a third set of bushes.  (Reminder: He's not wearing pants.) He accomplishes his duty without any hiccups.  (I clamped my mouth shut when his put his undies down around his ankles.)

We head back to the van and he asks me innocently, "Mommy, what's that box over there?"

For the love.  "Well, son, that would be what we call a port-a-potty."

"What's it for???"

Who even knows.

Example 5:

That time your 4 year old ask you to draw a picture of a word that starts with "I" and you drew an eye.  (this just happened today) #facepalm  ((AND THEN YOU GOOGLED WORDS THAT START WITH "I"!!!))

Example 6:

The day I went to Target to return something (this is a whole fail in itself because I never actually returned the item--AND while I was in there, Jordan kicked off her shoe -somewhere...- so we had to backtrack the whole store to find it.  Renae spotted it, of course, with her "I spy eyes".  A Target employee was walking around with a broom and dustpan and swept it up (!!!).  Renae reached right in her little trash bucket and pulled out Jordan's shoe...the worker just kept on sweeping.  C'mon!), then had to go to Wal-Mart to return something, then went to Staples to look for something they didn't have, and then went to the post office.  WITH THE KIDS. That went about as well as you can imagine it did.

Example 7:

I made a freezer meal (read: made in a disposable foil dish) casserole a week and a half ago or so.  Baked it, served a quarter of it, then went to move it to the fridge when the pan buckled and dumped hot food all over me and the floor.  We still ate it.

Example 8:

I took the kids to Kohl's today because I had $20 of KOHLS CASH that was going to expire.  We pull in to the parking lot, I get the umbrella stroller out of the back of the van (while all the kids are still inside--I still have a few brain cells left!) go to unfold the stroller (had years of practice on this one) and it acts as if it's spring loaded and flies out of my hands...wheels everywhere...me desperately grabbing at air (several times) while it heads to the ground.  Surprisingly, mostly assembled.  (#meanttodothat?) Oh, but in the process the handles hit the giant fancy black pickup parked next to us- CAR ALARM.  As if getting four kids from carseats thru parking lot to front door were easy.  Try ramping the noise level up 180 dbs.  Ear shattering   Lots of crying   Mommy "talks" over the noise  Awesome.

We go in.  We survive.  We exit.

A soldier is getting in his super nice giant truck.  Great!  I'll get to apologize and tell him what happened.  Sir, I'm sure your truck notified you that the alarm had gone off, I'm really sorry, I bumped your truck with the stroller.  I didn't see any damage (which was the truth because I didn't look), please let me know if you need me to do anything, I'm really sorry...(all while shooing four kids out of traffic).  He smiles, "It did. And it's ok.  I saw the whole thing..."

And I was instantly beet red.  #icoulddie

I think I muttered something like "Thanks for being understanding", but I don't remember because 1: I was mortified that he saw my embarassing battle with the stroller, and then ensuing fiasco where I used my voice at a reasonable volume and 2: there were 4 kids fighting over car seats and two of them were already crying.

Sweet.